Sinful Sandwich Making Man Seeks Counseling

A Christian has a very troubled conscience, so he seeks help from a biblical counselor.

Elderly nouthetic counselor: What brings you in today?

Husband: Forgive me patriarch father, for I have sinned.

ENC: Well, that's not good. What have you done?

Husband (weeping): I've made sandwiches.

ENC: (Gasps) Uh, how long has this been going on?

Husband: Off and on for a few months now.

ENC: Well, I'm sure we can fix this in fourteen weeks or less.

Husband: But I think there's more to it.

ENC: What do you mean?

Husband (more weeping): I get on the internet at night and watch sandwich-making shows.

ENC: This is bad. Really bad. By the way, stop crying. You are not a woman!

Husband (sniffing): I know! I have this impulse and desire for sandwiches. I think I'm becoming a sandwich addict?

ENC: Does your wife know?

Husband: She's only caught me once making a sandwich.

ENC: Aren't her sandwiches fulfilling your urges?

Husband: They are but I feel I need so much more. I need variety, you know?

ENC: Have her come in and we will talk about her changing things up a bit to satisfy you.. Okay?

Husband: I suppose. What if she is offended? She might want to divorce me.

ENC: Why?

Husband: Because I'm a sandwich addict? I must have a disorder.

ENC: There is no such thing as disorders, though this might come close. We believe it's a problem with sin.

Husband: The sin of sandwich making?

ENC: Well, more the sin of gender confusion and as her head, not making your wife a better maker of sandwiches. Her gender gives her the role to be a super sandwich-making master. Your gender should keep you from wanting to make sandwiches.

Husband: Is it possible I'm becoming a feminist?

ENC: If you continue on this satanic path, it is very likely.

Husband: What do I do?

ENC: You need to confess this to your wife and ask forgiveness for failing to make her better at making sandwiches. Then, give her a recipe book (no pictures in it) and have her try out new things to satisfy your natural craving for sandwiches.

Husband: What if she won't? What if she will want to divorce me?

ENC: You do not have to fear that. She is obligated to forgive you and never use your sin against you. Besides, there is nothing in the Bible that allows her to divorce you. And if you need to, you can spank her for her rebellion.

Husband: Phew. Well, that's good.

ENC: Just be aware, if you can't get mastery over this lust then you might need to go to a resanctification facility for six weeks.

Huband: Where is that?

ENC: IBLP headquarters has just the right place for this kind of sin. Well, time is up. We will see you next week at the same time but with your wife.